I'm a firm believer that if I have nothing to say, I will not say anything at all. Hey guys! Um...to all of those still "watching" me, is that what they still call it? I just wanted to say thanks. I have a little downtime so I thought I'd update you. I'm in school and for the most part, things aren't always looking so bright for me as they do for other people or as bright as they could. For one thing, the classes here are way hard and I never thought living on my own would be, well, to put it bluntly, so lonely and time-degrading. I feel as if I have no sense of time in college, not in the sense that I'm wasting my time, at least I don't feel as if I am. It's in the sense that whenever I am doing something productive, let's say homework, I feel as if I'm not using my time to my greatest advantage or potential. Sometimes I feel as if I don't belong here. There are plenty of other people who would LOVE to be in school right now, but me, I feel as if I'm lost in a world where I don't belong and where I don't fit in.

I'm not really cool with the people on my floor, for the most part I'm viewing them as boys that never really graduated from high school. They're kinda immature and trying to be something they aren't...but for the most part, isn't that nearly everyone in school? Hell, life? My roomate on the other hand is one socially awkward son of a bitch. I yearn for the day where I am not obliged to live with another. He's super Christian, very awkward, studies all the time (I mean, I'm a nerd but not that nerdy) and he's annoying. I blame part of this on my only-child upbringing and I'm sure he finds flaws in me, but hey...you win some, you lose some.

I'm still writing. I'm a writer. I just haven't had the urge to write anything as of yet. Remember, I'm a strong believer in the fact that I won't say anything unless I have to and I haven't really had the urge to speak. Rather, the inspiration. Well all these bad things have been happening to me, I don't think they are that potent enough for me to write about, as melodramatic as that sounds! But when I do write, rest assured, you'll get a good scoop and it'll come pouring out. The well just needs to run dry sometimes, and then it'll replenish itself.

I wanted to go to the harp factory today and I had to practice Bach, which I didn't really practice and I'm not that great at lol. Yeah, so I was just updating you guys. I miss all those that you know, really read my stuff. And thanks for keeping track of me thus far. The writings will come when they come. I really wanna start combining more of my literature and music together, it'll happen. So yeah, just an update. FYI, thank God I didn't do this journal on Facebook

Ok, I don't know why I'm making this journal. Usually when I make journals, they are just periodicals of my life and update people, who are interested, in the stuff that's going on with me internally and externally. But today, as with every day, my thoughts have seriously overwhelmed me, so I'm gonna cover a range of topics that for some reason....I am deathly afraid of and have been eating at me for the past month.

College is starting, and honestly, I feel lost in a world where I really don't belong. I know it's that old freshman fear thing that every freshman goes through, but I really do feel like that. So far, the people that I've met at my school, they seem so superficial. I'm really not used to talking about what stores I shop at and how much I spent on this or that and it bothers me. I hang around people who are just really down to earth. I've met jocks and drama-queens and it's kinda jading me really. It's very upsetting. I graduated high school to escape labels and drama...but I guess wherever you go, or wherever I go, trouble peeks. I've got the mass of my books and junk, except one, which for some reason I am panicking about, but when am I not panicking? I really wanna start reading some of them to get a head start...but then it dawned on me....why am I always trying to get a head start? Why is that I want to "prove" to people that I know what I'm talking about and that I'm intelligent. I used to do that all the time in high school and I really don't want that to consume me in college. I mean...I want to have fun, to an extent, but at the same time, I wanna keep my brain. Everything I do, in my opinion, is just not sating for myself. Why am I continuously trying to get ahead of the game, that when the game is over, I'll just be back right where I started...at another game?

I've selected my final classes and whatnot and decided that double majoring is just going to be too much for me. I've decided to major in English and minor in Music. For some reason, and I know I shouldn't think this, this caused me to think that I didn't want a career in music and I didn't want to take it seriously. I take private piano lessons soon and I'm trying as hard as I can to meet up to at least 15% of my potential as an artist, but whatever I do, be it writing or making a melody...it all seems like I'm wasting my time. I know I shouldn't think like this, but there are some days when I feel I'll never get a career in music, that the melodies and lyrics I write are just not enough and mediocre and that even if I did have a career in music...who the hell would listen to what I have to say? With the way the state of the music industry is now, why would I want to go into that whole thing? There's nothing but manufactured dolls and Disney queens ruling the ears of everyone, truly sound pollution, and that a person like me, a person who wears their heart on their sleeve...just wouldn't be appreciated for what they had to say. Look at my poems and tell me that some of the lines don't freak you out and lead you to think that I'm a drama king and that I take things way too deeply. And then there's the problem with my musical abilities anyway: I read sheet music so slow that it's ridiculous, I can't sing and play the piano at the same time and when I do...it sounds horrible, and I only know so much about theory that I get embarassed when people ask me how long I've been playing. I also take a lot of time producing and writing, hell let alone thinking, of material. I would be a major risk to a producer if I get a career in this. I don't want a normal job, I want this so bad, but I'm just afraid.

With that section complete, things at home aren't so great either. The one good thing about going to college is moving out and man, am I ready to leave. My mom and I, no matter how hard she plays it off, are distant. It's dead. I know my mother loves me, I will always know this if I know nothing else, but she's got her own thing going on and I've got mine. She sounds so uninterested when I talk about my plans for college and the things I need for my dorm. She rapidly changes to a new subject when I do. And no one in my family is, let's say, "supportive" of the fact that I'm going to college. Hell, my birthday was a month ago and none of them even called lol. No one really cares that I'm going off to school....who would blame them though? They have their own thing going on, and that's them. I've felt distant from them all for a long time....but hey...this only cements it right? And if you really want to call me an ice king, talk to me about my friends, talk to me about how I haven't talked to them in weeks, about to go on a month. Talk to me about how every conversation I have with them seems like....I feel like, "man, why am I talking to them? It's the same stuff over and over again. Monotony." I know it's kinda rude of me to feel like that, but it's ice on that one. I want something new, it's just I don't know what that something is. I'll know it when I see it, and guessing on how I am, I'll be so fickle that I'll take the first thing that looks good then dump it for something else thus repeating the cycle. I guess that's the foreshadowing of all my relationships haha. I think I'm too cold. Hell...I am.

I think I've got most of this out of me, other than I feel so angsty right now! The tried and true story of "I'm trying to find myself but don't know where to look." I didn't have anyone else to turn to, so obviously, writing about it will do and considering it's kinda empty on here (completely my fault due to the lack of creativity and postage), it's not like anyone will read it or be that interested. I sound so cynical right now lol. As for the title....I thought I should put that up because it's a line from Fiona Apple's song "Never is a Promise" and the full line is "I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night." and because I couldn't put that as the full title, I'd thought I'd share it. She's basically doubting that she'll ever do what she's doing now, being an artist...and I'm doubting that in myself too. So yeah. I just had to write this...again, it's been plauging me for the last month. To those who did read this long ass journal, I thank you, I wouldn't have even had the patience.

You think you can save someone, but hell you can't even save yourself. Do I feel like I'm in a nutshell.

Happy Birthday to me. Yep, I'm 18...well on July 13th, but that's a couple of hours away and I won't be on that much because I'm going to eat at a Spanish restraunt and get a new keyboard and chill with some people. So this is just an advanced notice. I'll be 18...yay! Cupcakes!

So I went to Orientation this Monday and Tuesday, spent the night and had a cool roommate (don't worry he's a temp, he was from Colorado, played sports...we obviously didn't have much in common, but he opened up a lot...you'd be surprised when you are just quiet how much people will open up about their lives and family to hear some stuff about you. Of course, that was my plan all along...)and I had a cool group. We Facebooked each other and I hope to keep in contact with them, even when I move into my hall on campus...though one of em lives like a block away from my hall, it'll be cool. I met my permanent roommate on Facebook, he's pretty cool, he's from Wisconsin, which is not that far from Illinois. Farming community though, so I'll get used to it.

Doing this whole college thing is like flying a plane, there's a right time to land and settle your business and take off. I've learned that more than anything. I scheduled my classes and chose my major(s) already: though it can be subject to change at ANYTIME, I have my eyes set on double majoring in English (that will probably change to Classics, which focuses on like Humanities and Greek Mythology and stuff) and Music with an emphasis on Piano. My classes are as followed :

Mon, Wed, Fri: Univ 101 (which is a stupid class about how we can take advantage of Loyola, every freshie has to take it, so I minus well deal)

College Writing Seminar (Every freshie has to take this too, it's supposed to improve writing skills, and what not. I wanted to take Intro to Poetry...but this class was in my way, I don't wanna sound stubborn and arrogant, though I already do, I shouldn't have to take this class...I know how to write, I'm a writer )

Theology: Morals (About Morality, I got that out that way, so let's see how it goes)

Psych 101 (Fulfills a science requirement, and I wanna learn more!)

Tues and Thurs:

Music Theory 144 (Awesome. I remember most theory stuff, but I'll study a bit more over the summer.)

Music Theory 145

Medieval Studies (An English thing, hope it goes well)

While there at Orientation, I met some very nice people in the Music Department who said they would be happy to get me a job there: I'll probably be a piano tuner, which is fine with me...I should learn and it's money. I also got to play a 200 year old harpsichord, though I shouldn't be telling anyone this. I don't care, it was awesome. I felt powerful

So yeah, waiting to officially land, see you guys when I get back down to earth. Another tour to start, I suppose.

The moment has come. Yep! You guys have been so awesome and wonderful to me, I have so much to say so here it goes, get ready! I don't know if any of you guys realize the amount of importance that many of you have had on my life. Tour has ended and I am graduating tomorrow! Awesomeness! I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get all teary-eyed and pour all my heart and guts out so I know everyone needs to get ready. This moment is so important in my life, I graduated 4th out of my class and I'm going to college (going to Orientation this Monday) and I feel that my life is changing rapidly, but now I realize...it really is for the better. I don't need to mourn for people and memories and emotions, these are not the things worth mourning for.

There have been really rough times, painful times, brilliant times, scary times and worthwhile times but all in all, I guess it was all worth it, it was all for the best. I can remember myself in the same position last year. I was mourning over lost things and being down on myself and all around just being totally negative, but soon I learned it was not worth it. Life may not work the way you want it, but there are people and things that make it worthwhile getting up in the morning. Now, this year, things have changed rapidly for the better. I can count many things: I saw "Wicked" the musical, I learned to be more independent, I made great friends, I got a chance to go to the Oprah Winfrey show for free nonetheless and put in some input on teen dating violence, I became a true pianist, I explored my artistic endeavors...though some were not well guided, true art never is, I went to prom, I mended some toxic relationships with people in my family and in my personal life, I'm going to college and now, finally, I am fourth in my graduating class, Master of Ceremonies for graduation, and I'm going out with a bang! Things finally fell into place...things fell into place, didn't they?

This is another chapter ending in my life, our lives. I will NEVER forget this moment! I love and will miss my wonderful friends and teachers. These people inspire me to be a better person, artist, friend, student and man. From the start...if you guys wanna hear, some real life individuals and dA friends. If they're reading:

*Talon22 has definitley helped me break out of my shell. He's been my friend on hear the longest, and to think, we met in a chatroom. He's awesome, I make an effort to try to talk to him everyday, hopefully he knows this! I really am trying to meet up with him, us being college people, I'm gonna wanna meet him eventually. Garrett, you are an awesome friend and you really do inspire me. You help me with all of my "adult problems", stuff I don't think I could tell anyone else. You're funny and brilliant and I know that being a part of my life is as important just as helping me out, and you really have helped me through those dark times and I can only hope to help you whenever you need it. Love you and you rock!

~solaria92 is an awesome friend. She got me addicted to Sailor Moon again and hopefully she'll get me into Tenchi ( I hope I didn't butcher his name). She's so awesome, she knows this already. You're also there for those breakdown moments, but I know that to you it's no big deal because the bond between you and I is just like cement.

=riopio Jai didn't think I could give a shoutout without her, did she? Jai, I've known you since sophomore year and you are FUNNY AS HELL, but aside from that fact, you are an awesome friend and one hell of an artist. I really do mean it when I say you need to follow your heart...your hand, rather...and just fully commit to becoming an artist. You have to be the most tolerable person I know because you put up with someone who just seeps under my skin sometimes, and I'm sure yours, but I'll talk about him later lol You're an awesome friend and I hope we can collab and keep in contact. You know we will

Joey, Thalles, Shannon...you guys rock. Hard. I think we may have all seen it all. From making music demos, screaming at each other, appearing on Oprah to going to field trips to see epic (sometimes boring) plays, going to prom and now graduating together. Joey, I believe in you and know you can do better. Summer school is only six weeks, we talked about this ALREADY so I know you'll do fine. You guys have definitely helped me become a better person and I KNOW I will cry all over this tomorrow. You deserve all the thanks you can get from me. We've been on bumpy roads but I know we'll meet again and chill and things won't change. That's not so bad, because we're so cool for things to change, it would just be awkward. You guys will get your stuff together, I believe in you guys. I really do, that's something I will always do. Somehow, someway, I have always had faith in you guys, I know you guys will be with me in the future, I know better things are to come for all of us. You all have impacted my life more than you will ever know. I mean it. I wonder what would have happened if I never met any of you? I dare not fathom the thought! Let's rock guys. I wanna make cupcakes!

TOMORROW! I know I'm gonna cheese out soon so let me chill. We'll meet up again, we have to, my birthday is comin' up Seriously, be it in another life or this one, we'll meet again. Thank you for everything.


All that I'm living for
All that I'm dying for
All that I can't ignore, alone at night
All that I'm wanted for, although I wanted more
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me
Should it hurt to love you?
Should I feel like I do?
Should I lock the last open door?
My ghosts are gaining on me...---"All that I'm Living For" Evanescence

Amy's voice just really gets to me.

Also, let me leave you on one LAST thought. My favorite English teacher ever, who is like a true father to me, Mr. Berrol left me with one last thought, so I should only leave it to you guys:

"And death I think is no parenthesis"

Love,

Tyler.